The Lessons From My Fathers Suicide

Suicide is such a confusing thing to process when you are the one who is left behind.

On the 13 December 2014 my dad killed himself. He took his own life. I will never know if it was planned or spur of the moment action but he did it, and he was gone. He had left his body forever.

Dad

I had no idea, I thought that I would have felt the earth shift with the death of my father or anyone else I loved but I didn’t. I woke up on Saturday morning and my sister and I went to read our book’s to a group of lovely children, we played with them, giggled and were filled with life, joy and the promise of the amazing people these children would grow into.

We are all miracles, born as sweet little babies full of hope and life. We love ourselves and our passion for life is infectious. Children’s eyes sparkle with excitement at this great adventure of life, they strive to grow, to get bigger, stronger more independent and at some point for too many of us that sparkle fades, little by little so you hardly notice it going.

We forget that we are miracles and that life is made to be full of joy and discovery. We forget that we must make mistakes to learn and grow and that sometime we will get knocked down but just like that plucky little 1 year old learning to walk we must get back up with a giggle and a smile and keep going.

Yes we can wail and cry, yes sometimes life will seem so painful and terrible that we have to stop and just let the pain pour out. As adults we have learnt to do this in privacy, for some reason showing vulnerability has become shameful and so many of us try to keep up a cheerful façade to stop anyone knowing the sadness that is lying just under the surface.

2012-03-02 17.13.25

Since my fathers death I have caught myself going back into my protective happy shield smiling and chatting so that no one worries about me, while inside I am frantic, broken and weeping. Why do I do this? When I was a child I would just weep and scream.   My daughter who is 4 is such a brilliant teacher, she lets her rage and upsets out, she runs into my arms for support when she needs it and then she is happy again. She has expressed her pain and she is safe and happy again. While I am feeling sick inside trying to be ok and when I finally let it out and weep in my husbands arms just like our daughter I feel a sense of peace and safety come over me.

Why as we strive to grow up do we forget so much of the wisdom we where born with?

My Dad was once that tiny baby gazing up into his mothers eyes so full of hope and love. How did he go from being that magical being who knew about love and life to a man by himself in a hotel room deciding to bring his life to an end?

How do so many of us walk through life with our eyes closed the beauty that lies inside of us, how have so many of us forgotten how to look at the world the way a child does?

Since my dads death I have been reminded of how precious life is and how amazing each and every one of us is. He has made me look at life through fresh eyes, I have started to take care of my body better, to fill it with healthy foods and embrace who I am with love and acceptance.

I now take a moment to breath, to enjoy a view and to give thanks for the annoying, mundane and amazing moments in my life because each moment of my life is a gift and a miracle and I am so grateful to be here to enjoy it.

Just like that baby you are worthy, you are lovable, and you are loved. Celebrate who you are because we are all unique amazing .

Robert Holroyd

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15 thoughts on “The Lessons From My Fathers Suicide

  1. this is beautifully written, sarah. you share your sad story while reminding us that, though life can be unbearably painful at times, it is still precious. i am so very sorry for your loss, but i thank you. (and i love the photo of you and your dad at the top.)

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  2. Thanks Sarah, Your words were very insightful and true. I wish we could all be like young children and just go ahead and express our fears, worries and of course joys with unburdened abandon.
    There is no explanation for suicide and sometimes it is just a spur of the moment decision coming when that person can see no joy for their future life. We need to keep the conversation going and let the person in that situation they are not alone and that depression and anxiety are OK.
    Xox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing. I think there are many of us that have been touched in some way by suicide. Your story helps me remember and move through times of wonder and search for answers. Lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Sarah,

    first of all, good article and i’m so sorry for your loss.
    I’m chris, and i am the one who tried to commit suicide myself.

    I know it’s difficult to comprehend everything, especially because it’s so sudden.
    Whatever you do, try not to feel guilty too much. If he wants to do it, there’s nothing you or anybody else could do about it.

    I married 1 month before my first attempt. This was all 2 years ago. And i talk a lot about it with my wife. She felt guilty too, but none of it was on her. For all my life i tried to stay strong and 1 moment it just was enough, i didn’t see any good in my future and was not good enough to anybody. So i decided it was enough, i just wanted rest.

    Now when i think about it, it still gives me the shivers, that i was even capable of doing such a thing.

    Now things are better. i got the help i needed and i’m ok talking about it. In the beginning i was very ashamed and didn’t want to look anyboidy even in the eye.

    I accepted my past and know it has nothing to do with who i want to become in the future.
    IIf you ever want to talk, feel free to write me an email anytime, ok 🙂

    yours,
    Chris

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    1. Hello Chris,
      Thank you so much for your beautiful message. You are a very brave and strong person and I am so relieved to hear that you are in a better place now and getting the support you need, and that it sounds like you have an amazing wife sharing your journey of healing with you. I just had a read of your blog and am looking forward to reading more. Please keep up this amazing work, it is so important for people to hear stories like this.

      So much love and support,
      Sarah

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      1. Thank you Sarah,

        I will definetaly do that. i’m just gettting started as well. Will have to modify it here and there. But so far it’s looking good.
        Tonight i will write my 2nd post and offcourse i need to keep working on my social media channels.

        You too keep going please. The world needs us.

        Yours,
        chris

        Like

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