Tears can be so nourishing, they can release and cleanse away pain that is sitting deep inside.
Since my fathers death I have found it so hard to cry and then so easy. I am the type of person who likes to cope, I like to be happy, to be moving, to be accomplishing things. I do not like to show my weakness.
I have become so good at pushing my tears back down, but that energy needs to go somewhere. After months of denying my hurt and pain, of only letting out safe amounts I started to feel frantic, wired, edgy and numb. Lying awake at night unable to sleep my daughter would cry, inconsolably sobbing until having finally released all of her tension she would just yawn and fall into a peaceful sleep again.
After a few nights of this it finally dawned on me that she was releasing my tears. The hurt and pain I had been bottling up in an attempt to be a good mum and a good person were actually hurting my baby.
And then my tears finally flowed, the hurt I had been bottling up for nearly a year exploded from me in a sobbing snotty mess. Thankfully my husband knows me and he had also realized long before I did that despite outside appearances I was not coping well. So he held me for hours when all I could mutter between sobs and gasps was my dad is dead, my dad is dead, he just held me like a baby and soothed me.
The pain that I will never again be held in my Dads arms, or hear his voice, laugh with him or fight with him again. The pain that my Dad felt such pain in his life that he choose to end it. The pain and stress of everything I had, had to deal with since his death poured out.
The pain of losing someone seems to come in waves, I can feel so good and fool myself into thinking I have finally processed this and then it suddenly hits me. Like one of those big dumping waves, it sweeps my feet from under me, throwing me around in all different directions holding me down for so long that I feel like I will explode and then it throws me violently to the ground bruised and salty form my tears that have finally broken free from my tight hold on them.
And then just like in the ocean a new wave rolls in, it might be another big dumper but normally it is a sweet little playful wave. With all of that energy released I can finally breath again, focus again and truly smile again.
Why have so many of us learnt to be so scared of our emotions? So scared to be vulnerable or loose control?
All of those tears we hold in and emotions we push down have to go somewhere. They can make us sick, angry and weak, they can be so damaging when we hold them inside.
So I am slowly working through the pain, I am trying to feel it as it comes and let it pass through me. I don’t need to carry my pain through my life like my Dad did.
I am so grateful for my daughter and family for seeing what I could not see yet, for pushing me to confront it and for being there to catch me when I finally let go.
There will always be pain in life and there will always be joy in life. Our challenge is to accept them both equally and take the lessons each of them have to offer.
If you feel affected by anything you’ve read in my blog and you’d like to reach out, please do. If you need help, there is Life Line Australia whose helpline is 13 11 14 and Life Line NZ whose helpline is 0800 543 354