My baby girl is 4 today. Dad I know you would be so proud of her. She is funny and naughty, she has to negotiate everything, she is kind, loving and fierce. She is such a delight and brightens up everyday.
I wish you were here to share her with me, she adores her family and is surrounded by love but she still talks about her Papa who is an angel now.
This morning I forgot for a moment that you had gone, my phone dinged with a new email while we were snuggled in bed unwrapping Briars birthday presents. And for a moment I thought that will be Dad seeing how the birthday girl is. Then the memory came crashing back crushing me as I gasped, Dad is not emailing, Dad won’t be calling, Dad took his own life and left his body forever. He will never call again and delight in my tails of parenthood and life. He won’t be there to see Briar grow; he will never meet my other babies or my nieces and nephews. He will miss out on so much.
My Dads suicide still casts a long shadow over most days; I still have moments when I can hardly believe that he has gone and when I just have to sob about it. But the shadow that Dad has cast over us has also made everything else more vivid and more special; the darkness makes the light so much brighter.
My daughter is four today and she is the exact opposite to that sadness, she is full of life and energy. She celebrates herself all of the time, she delights in life.
I am so grateful to have this constant reminder that life goes on, life is beautiful and love is never ending.
We all have shadows that hang over our lives at points in time, sometimes they are momentary other times they linger for years. We cannot control our lives and prevent ourselves from being hurt but we can choose how we respond to the pain and how we view our shadows.
If you feel affected by anything you’ve read in my blog and you’d like to reach out, please do. If you need help, there is Life Line Australia whose helpline is 13 11 14 and Life Line NZ whose helpline is 0800 543 354